Oops i did it again! How to say no instead of accidentally saying yes
Have you ever reluctantly accepted an invitation or obliged a request of which you really wanted to pass? Maybe it was declining an invitation to an event, participation in a project or a social outing that had you thinking twice. Hesitation to communicate our desires in this type of setting might stem from our innate desire to foster connections as women. But fear not, setting boundaries doesn't mean burning bridges. Let’s look at boundary setting as a promise to honor our own goals and capacities not a bold statement in opposition to others. We can honor ourselves and support others, as they are not mutually exclusive…but how? And why?
A while ago, I worked with a client who struggled with the guilt of saying no to certain requests or invites. The funny part was that she actually wanted to say no, and with solid reasoning. She just never felt like she could decline with confidence for fear of offending others. Guilt, regret and a bit of self-doubt would creep into her brain right as she debated her answer. It became too overwhelming so she would just agree to whatever request came her way. This caused much stress and a lot of regret. When it came time to fulfill her obligation, she did so reluctantly. Might this sound familiar? Communicating our true desires does not have to be burdensome nor stressful. To fully understand this phenomenon, it is best to start with the motivation behind such behavioral habits.
Women generally communicate with peripheral goals to connect with others in a social and supportive manner. Conversely, men tend to communicate to solve a problem and complete a task.[1] It is said that women engage in rapport talk while men engage in report talk. This difference between genders, at times, can pose quite a challenge for women.
How do we set boundaries yet cultivate connection to others?
How do we say no and maintain social support of those we just rejected?
How do we decline an invitation without feeling as if it is a show of little interest in that person?
If women communicate in a manner that establishes rapport or good will towards others, it can feel uncomfortable to set boundaries for fear of offending the requestor. However, to help us communicate our boundaries let’s reframe how we view communication of our desired boundaries. What if setting boundaries is a promise to ourselves to honor our goals, desires and capabilities?
Instead of focusing on what we are saying no to, try these three steps to refocus on the promise to yourself to honor your own desires and capacity.
Three Steps to Set Boundaries:
1. Focus on the Yes. What does this ‘no’ give to you? Consider focusing on what declining that request may afford you. i.e. "If I do not have to help on this project, I will have less stress and more time." Isn’t that enough? Given the option, giving yourself the gift of less stress and more time might be all you need to confidently decline. Remember, just because you can do something does not mean you should.
2. Consider an alternative. While you can be flattered to be asked to be included, be direct if you can’t accept and know that you do not have to leave your response at a no. Provide an alternative suggestion instead. “Thank you for asking me. I do not have capacity/time/space, however have you thought about asking XYZ? I know she loves this kind of event!” This especially helps women who struggle with the guilt of saying no. Providing an alternative offers an option that keeps the lines of support and rapport open.
3. Build your communication toolbox. It is best practice to know what it literally sounds like for you to state your boundary, to say no. Have you heard yourself? How comfortable with the actual wording are you when declining a request? Brainstorm the phraseology before you need it. Then rehearse. The first time you state your boundary should not be the first time you hear yourself saying it. Each time you settle on a phrase with which you are comfortable, keep it, add to it situation by situation. Build your communication tool box one phrase at a time.
There is no need to reluctantly accept invites to which you don’t need or want! By reframing boundary-setting as a promise to honor yourself, your goals, your desires and your capacity, look for opportunities to provide alternatives and build your phrases so you can move forward with less stress and more confidence!
Meg discusses boundary setting and much more in her April 2024 released book Put Your Big Girl Pants On.. and other power moves to increase influence. Bucaro is a communication strategist and college adjunct faculty who is passionate about positioning women for success through powerful communication behaviors. She is also a life-long Chicago Bears fan.. and recently, it hurts. ;-)
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[1] Mohindra, Vinita, and Samina Aznar, “Gender Communication: A Comparative Analysis of Communicational Approaches of Men and Women at Workplaces,” IOSR Journal of Humanities and Social Sciences 2, no. 1 (2012): 10-16
